i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
