I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
