I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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