Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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