The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
