good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
