I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Pants are for mortals
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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