hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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