Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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