it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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