never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
