Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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