I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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