so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
