It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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