Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
