His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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