Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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