my vag is so smooth its legendary
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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