Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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