The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
