wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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