mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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