Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
