So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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