Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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