my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
