I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
