Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
