nut hugger
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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