Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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