i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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