I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
