I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
