i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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