I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
