ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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