I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Found the puke drawer
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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