Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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