Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
