She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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