So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
