Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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