I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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