walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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