The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
