I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is Oprah even human
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize