I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
