my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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