You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
