I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
