It was like getting head from an anaconda
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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