dude i'm inner monologue high
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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