if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
