She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i barfeds in our rink
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you didnt know i had herpes?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
