Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
