you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
