I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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