So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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