Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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